


boys keep swinging

by idioteques



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Epistolary, Gen, M/M, one rock of crack (crack rock)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-06
Updated: 2017-03-06
Packaged: 2018-09-29 22:53:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10146482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idioteques/pseuds/idioteques
Summary: Ronald ‘Mac’ McDonald is going to masturbate tonight for the very first time as a GAY MAN. As such, this changes everything.





	

 

Dear Dennis,

I have been thinking lately about what it means to be a gay man in today’s world. Many people have a problem with gay men, but many people don’t. I am now one of the people who don’t. This is because I am now a GAY MAN. 

It is interesting how my life has changed ever since I came out. Before I came out, if I ever jerked off to the thought of a dude kissing my forehead, for example, I would feel bad.

I mean I would feel hot but also kind of gross, which would make me feel even more hot, but also not so hot. I have been told that this is called _internalised homophobia_ , but I am the least homophobic person I know so that’s probably bullshit.

Now that I am a gay man, however, things may be changing for the better. I am sure that if I jerk off thinking about dudes kissing me now, I wouldn’t feel bad at all. I think I'd feel pretty great. I don’t know if you know this, but I am super into dudes kissing me now. Especially hot ones. I would really like to be kissed by a hot dude right now.

Hey, remember that time in the office all those years ago when we each did that line of coke to celebrate buying Paddy’s and you kissed my forehead twice and then pulled down my pants and I said “I love you” for the very first time, and you said, “I am so ambivalent about the fact that your cock is longer than mine”, which took me a while to understand because I was high as shit and also my dick was in your sexy, incredible, totally normal-sized mouth for like two seconds but then Dee ruined everything by crashing into the room on her segway.

Dennis, jerking off is an American tradition. Real Americans don't lie to themselves about who they are when they jerk off. And as a fellow American, I know that you understand my need to make up for all the times I jerked off as a straight man. I am disgusted by my past straightness, and now want to leave all that behind so that I can begin exploring myself in the gayest way possible.

I may even try butt stuff. That may happen. Who knows. I am gay and also full of surprises.

Anyway, I hope this explains why I will be locking myself up in my room for the next two days, and also why I have taken all your lube.

Love, 

Mac.

PS: Taking your credit card has nothing to do with me being gay, but it was there, and we needed a new blu-ray player to replace the one Charlie boiled, so I took it. 

PPS: I also took your cashmere scarf because it’s really soft and the blue looks really good against your neck. It smells so much like you and yeah I’m probably going to jerk off with it. Sorry, bro. You can’t ask for it back because that would be a hate crime according to all the laws.

PPPS: I know you don't like brightly-coloured stickers so I hope you like the blue stars.

PPPPS: I think I’ll leave my door unlocked. If you wanted to try asking for the scarf back, I mean.

**Author's Note:**

> mac sounds nothing like mac, but i really wanted to make that segway joke, you guys.


End file.
